Discussion

Today our senior expose us on the whole progress of the remaining work. It was kind of shock that we are not even 50% in thus far. We are stunned as we still have long, long way to go. I asked could we graduate with no result in FYP, she said yes, but might be questioned during the presentation.

This was a nice conversation with them. Following that is the discussion of of prep meet for SGM. During the discussion, we were thrown out everything and shared whatever we know and wanted to share their. It was nice as conversation makes me a day, a youthful and fruitful process. After the real prep, we remained there for chit-chat and other stuff. Even after the prep math, I had a nice time talking with El and CY in the van like never before. At least to some extent, I found back my passion and impulse to talk. Joey, bravo joey!

Dealing with Stella, whom is really strict to us, she always has her own principle which I think she has made herself well for not treating us so well. She has also been nice to us despite the work and FYP matters. Without a heart-to-heart discussion, we might not deliver and receive the message so properly,peacefully.

Thus, to this extent, I wish that I could diversify my life and dig one interest that enhance my life's quality. Stop being so bored, so formality and grayish, add more colors and despite all could differentiate one principle color from all.

Success

Today not a succeeded for my FYP, but is succeeding for my menstruation to come, after 5 months of missing it. Kind of forgetting how it feels being a lady. This is really exciting, than anything else. It is believed that hormonal change and disruption is due to stress and burden, due to freaking FYP too.

Not to blame everything to FYP, but at least I felt this year was indulged into the FYP trauma, having a horror of doing it, because even we tried freaking hard, with genes and cell lines, with various temperature to adjust in optimization, not only me, but four of us, still think that our project is kind of challenging. In certain extent, it is good as we could trained ourselves, however, due to time constraint, we till this far still not able to produce presentable data could have induced immeasurable stress to us, makes us tense up. Moreover, there are seniors being so mean to us, strict and not liking us. Everyday, we just feel like reluctant to go lab, to face the uncountable failures. Even an iron man could not stand it longer.

Success is a just far too away for me, simply because I do not have the luck. But I have preserved, I tried hard, I do not mind losing, but I wanted to achieve success at the end. So, let's see how I end up with.

While chanting today, there was a thing that came across my mind which If we have a high and noble mission and targets in life, our life could not bother much by little problems, which have been magnified by us from the size of sand into basketball. So, set sail with noble goals in life, make great vision, that could bring you to indestructible ichinen and victories that follows.

Waiting

Waiting is a long process that tested on perseverance and patience of people. Many of them who can't wait, will probably miss the most beautiful part of the encounter, or if they have smartly escaped the queue, there might be nothing happen in the end. So waiting the queue could find out to be part of luck whether has gain or loss.

In my case here, everything is needed to be waiting. In my lab work I wait for MMLV (Takes me 1.5 hours), PCR (takes me 2 hours), AGE (takes me 1 hour) and intermittent steps waiting for pipettes, tubes, and vortex. Out of the most important thing is waiting for the cell line culture. They are truly our boss, which takes us weeks to prepare and ready for extraction. Secondly, is the primers which I heard should take a week to send to KL and back to Kuching. Concluded as a whole, my FYP is miserable due to waiting, and even doing it hard it turned up disappointing us.
 
Besides FYP, waiting could be a burden for me. I am kind of a "rushing" people where I request things to be done quickly, and sometimes tolerable with the qualities. This is contradicted by the things which done slow but nice. To me, waiting is suffering, as I think every minute even seconds count for the progress, as long as you do something, it is moving, being it is a positive or negative sign. Better than wait and see! Quality control is the one I should challenge myself as I tend to ignore it. However, I am conscious on the priority of the work, which important things will be nicely done,of course.

In contrary, waiting could be nice. Waiting for reply, especially from him, from her, boss, and friends dealing with assignments, these are nice. Waiting to be served, waiting for the holidays, waiting for a bus or LRT to go back home, waiting for the day to come, waiting to jump into pools... How much could I wish to wait for these to come despite of busy and boring routine. The excitement always is the doping dose for me. For now, what I anticipated the most is waiting for confession.

Today saw a queue waiting for bus, this has reminded me of my secondary school time where I would wait for buses to go home, yeah, I am waiting to go home, by 4 months later^^

Karma and mission

Some said karma is the one which bring you back to the people that you are destiny to, regards to good and bad. Our Buddhism says that karma will be changed to mission in one's life. Without a mission, a person will not be born. For those aborted and miscarried babies, they have deep karma that makes them not able to become a real human to enjoy the mission. So, I always think that someone born with the mission is good, someone with a busy schedule is good, as they have goals to accomplish and have destiny to work for. 

There are some parts of my life to feel that I was rather sit and enjoy the day to night with no worries, all gone smoothly. Now, I would reject a comfortable life, I want challengeable and meaningful life, but I must chant for the faith to overcome it, otherwise it is not called as challenges anymore. Everyday, my prayer would be to have courage, determination and confidence to overcome obstacles, rather not to have any. I believe to some extent that those hard times will pass, but if you push through it, you will ultimately savor the happiness and acquire fulfillment. 

I have my own irreplaceable mission that makes me a me, whatever I have today, from the past and to the future would be my content and components of my living. I realized that ever since I have enrolled in this university, I have a mission to embark, so does I am embracing this Buddhism to deliver happiness and truth to the suffer ones. This mission, once again remind me of why I am here, What have I been done, and What should I do next. 

The hard things that stained your life would become a dirt if you leave it badly, if you out add preservatives to the stain, it will become dye to make your life colorful, this is my theory. Discovered by today=))

Confess

What is meant by confess? Not just a love thing, is a thing that can keep you, and me, and we alive, because we express, without hiding, true expression, true feelings to the person that we wish to convey to.

Often confess is hard for an Asian, especially a conservative island, like me, never confess to anybody, even my parents, that makes me so much regret now.  Now, I would like to confess here, I like you, You are English, you are the 'him', you are my parents, you are the friends and comrades, you are the person or things I hate. Without you, I could never be nourished and trained in hardships. Always hardship has trained us to be stronger, there is a song singing what doesn't kill makes you stronger. After piles of difficulties, I have survived, THOUGH I get hurt, yet I'm still me, in complete pieces.

English, I remembered last time during my former six, Pn Zarinah my MUET teacher asked me to be one of the candidate in a speaking in-prompt-to test, that time I was so embarrassed as I was the only one who can't speak at all. Since then, I started to watch tv, read news, books and materials, speak often, and now I could manage to deliver smoothly, still, improvements are needed. Thinking back if no shameful experiences, I might keep lying lazy and comfy without rectifying my weaknesses and improving myself from it. Thanks to You.

My parents, I have no gut confess to them, they are kind of conservative, however, is obvious expressed through actions, caring for me, especially when I'm sick, I'm outstation for study, when I've to make a decision. I have always been so pampered, everything had been planned properly for me since young, this is love, a pampered, indulged love that could be never for me to return them in full. I am sorry, dad, for not able to confess to you, this is my deepest regret. For mum, I have no courage to speak either, but I swear that I will take care of you on behalf of me and dad, he wished to bring you to China, right? Let me do it! Confession to you makes me a perfect individual, a person whom dare to express love is a great person, a person that's able to appreciate and knows to value them timely.

For friends and comrades, you are always my supporters and light bulbs that enlighten me during my happiness and sadness, no matter how, I am not a me without you.

For the person and things that makes me suffer, I need to confess to you too, the masters, and the fyp, and the formality culture, you make me savor the feelings of failure, makes me appreciate even more on the happiness, and teach me lessons where those feelings aren't there forever, whatever you faced will passed like flame and we should just enjoy the best we could, never attempting to retreat, just go ahead as you can't escape whatever you have decided, should bear the responsibilities that you make on your own, no one is going to wear second-hand clothes from you, that are all.

For the 'him', I wish you could be my soul mate, since long ago I started to find one, a reliable partner that could make me grow in mutual, induce the feelings of happiness and attainment. He needed to bear same goal with me, in faith and in career, a real and independent, romantic, funny, hilarious man that could never bore me, never left me when I needed him, comfort and encourage me all the time, send romantic cards to me in occasion, share my happiness, try on something that couldn't be done with others, fill our lives with excitement and indefinite sparks that we could never imagine.

Confession is meant for this...

Last present from my dad

My dad left many things for us, with good and bad, we tried not to recall the bad, just the best. He left us the characteristics of value-ing friends and relatives so much, helping them financially (a way too kind hearted), and the optimistic characteristics he possessed always make him a person that make fun when speaking, make jokes when talking (but not for the time he reached home, he could be shouting at the home mess)><.

Besides these, there are particularly some present that daddy had left to us
For my brother, the present was a Chinese yo-yo. One day after school, he asked money from daddy to buy yo-yo for school's performance and competition. He is co-leader of the school team, where in this case, his old yo-yo is no longer competetive for performance, so he asked. Surprisingly, daddy just gave the money rm60 without objecting and asked brother to really take care of it. I had withnessed this process. Usually mum and us will try to deny his request, seeing that he has not been responsible enough in taking care of his things, but that time I was shocked daddy just fulfilled his request right away. This was the last present that daddy gave to brother.

For me, the present was a love from him. I remembered very clearly the dream just strucked me a week after the ceremony. The dream was illustrating the way he is leaving, he faint, somebody carried him upstairs to sofa (setting was in my house), then transferred him to bed because of sofa too small, then came the climax. Climax is the point where I got his present, it was me to said "Daddy I love you," and then he replied "I love you too" , I had never mentioned it in whole life of mine, (I dont remember any except if yes could be my young age), due to ego, due to centralism, due to shyness of expressing, that dream allowed me to speak it out, my last opportunity, to express my love directly, clearly to my father. I remember I was carrying him to the bed, I felt that his body was too light, which eliminate the worries of mine thinking that I might not able to lift him up, but it was just too light. Mum was sleeping beside him in the bed, after he had spoken love to me, mum said "finally, you can have a good rest", this concluded the whole dream, which was so amazing! I had eventually manage to express my love and got replide from him. I could never forget this, it was hardly deeply carved within my soul.

For my sister and mother, perhaps the present is the memories of him that left pieces in them. We almost cried everyday during chanting in the first week of ceremony. The memorial chanting had brough us together, which previously we never attempt to chant together, so united, so long. In the beginning of the losing period, we had our 1 hour for chanting in morning and night respectively, regardless of the tiredness and busy schedule. He had brought us together, and he left a spirit in mine, that I should bear the responsibilities to take care of family, to be bearable of hardships to sustain the faith in them.

Now, we have crossed the hard period, after so many tears and setbacks, so many aset settle-ups, lawyers meeting, we have settled down, with a refurnished house, refurnished emotion, refurnished faith and live. 

In-house all day long

Quotes of the day from "a defeat is time to build energies, should be treated as a stepping point for the victories that follow. " Indeed, failure is not a problem as long as we keep trying, not losing hope and determination to bounce back for the ultimate victories. In encountering death end, the thing to surpass is to combat the weaknesses within ourself, open up a new pathway that reveals the fundamental purposes of our life.

Today, I have heard of a relationship problem, from my sister, that seemed to bother her all along her life till now. She has not had any long-lasting relationship. Right now, she is facing a communication issue with her boyfriend whom often gives her bad mood, teasing her, commented on her independence, and bad mathematics, even had faded out from the feelings of love. This is suicidal for a relationship, which is pandemic being a sickness of love.

What is love? Is supposed to be a supportive, mutually beneficial chain that bound to in a common goal, being started in different origin, different mindset, but could be brought together into a good way. Ideal, complete, is pursued by everyone, perhaps, however, how many people could attain that? I am seeking for it either.

He might not have interest to me? He might just entertain me? I and he might not have so much of topics to engage to? These questions bothered me. I am trying to make my life interesting by looking into opportunities that could explore me more, make me grow. On the other side, I afraid once I had that opportunity, I could not handle it, then fail the challenges. He said, faith is part of life, we must keep updated and read other material too, do not be too aggressive in Buddhism study, that neglected knowledges from the other side.

The other thing that challenge me is I was small-hearted, which means I am easily swayed by small matters, these could badly affect my emotion, makes me pay no more concentration to chanting, study, and working. This is things I need to change, be more focus, Joey run Joey=))

For-ward

Here shared a quote *translated from chinese* "If you are not winning the short run, then win the middle-distance-run, if not, again the long run, the most important thing is never losing the desire of winning, live with ultimate determination, resolved and courage."

In real life situations, there are times we strived hard but could not get the expected result and achievements, not even to say success. Me, myself had been working damn so hard to get dean list, just few distance away from the target, however the transcript came out with dissapointment. I had improved, but not that much as I expected. Besides result, the project FYP that I was doing, I admitted that I was fully immersed into it, forcing myself to produce good work, but the outcome suggested otherwise.

Here, in this semester, I would just put kosen-rufu as first, and the "will" "resolution" to win against the setbacks with soka spirit, also keep my life as attractive, as fun as much as it can. As a good sister, as a good leader-to-be, in the family, in the society, I must grab chances actively, then I will surely constantly chant for having blessing partner for me, and get intact with any new discoveries in the world. I can imagine my life is soon to be bothered and fully scheduled with activities that provide me with fulfillment.

Life is a jogathon, at starting point we can have comrades, family and bunches of friends whom giving you rapport and support; however, reaching midway, even though  you lst your friends, even though we feel depressed to continue, this jogathon doesnt allow for a full stop. So resolve a good determination and couragely advancing steps~!!

Gel-day

Today ran electrophoresis on gel, failed again with the experiment. We have tried many times in extraction, something somehow failed again could not be saved and retrieved. Likewise, in laboratory work, we kept doing the wrong thing, masters were not showing 'good faces' whom they directed you to check and find google yourself. Strict is good, just that we are typical being spoon-feed children, this seems challenging since we have to do by ourself from the beginning.

Just pray ' gel ah gel, please be generous, please be kind, show something for us' this is the call everyday before going to lab.

Gradually this has trained us to bear iron heart and this also become my practice of engaging laboratory work in full strength, and by the moments going to bed, there is no regrets even more, followed by sweet and condemned sleep.

Am I not young anymore? I felt losing the passion to joke, to play and to work. Go find back the lost passion.

Anyway, we are tough, iron-walled heart to become master of my life^^

Door of Hope

Quotes forwarded by Sensei :  "difficulty is a closed door to the weak; however it is a door waited to be open for the strong." Our resolve  is the key factor that contribute different attributes and strength to solve problems that eventually leads to fulfillment or dissatisfaction even in the same circumstances. Nice quotes sharing with a friend, in real life, indeed, we are bothered by lots of things, ranges from sesame until the giant big like elephant. Nobody has life which is smooth all the way to the end, neither of them are free from challenges. Once I had been told that the challenge could only be known as challenge whenever we succeeded over it, otherwise it is yet a trouble. Recently felt covered by bushes of dark clouds, now, with th encouragement, aided by the daily practice of reading a book every day to fuel up my life, I felt tremendous power are circulating and starting to empower. This has to be kept. For me, the greatest challenge ever bothered me a lot in current is lab work. Inevitably absence of a day seems like absence for a century, which give me sense of losing track to whatever happen in the lab, the calculation gone wrong, or even don't know how to calculate, and the people are shifting the attention and prefers to another mate.Tell you what, I have to come up to be a bright star now, as Toda Sensei implicated, I wanted to be a third type of person who is needed, cravingly, in the field. I am not jealous, but seeing her as my role model to be pursued from. Another weakness of mine is tendency of losing memories. Otherwise, I could be a better man. Let's march forward, leaving whatever sad or happy, to advance together with comrades, with mates and most importantly family.

Someone told me don't afraid to dream high as we could never achieve it, so lets dream, FYP, i will turn it into ashes~!!

Caramel Macchiato

Nice scenery, nice weather and a fresh breeze is an energy booster for me in every morning. Don't waste time thinking of the bad, sad, moody things that drool your day, think of new challenges that must be achieved, or simply what food to eat on this day. Enjoy to the fullest for the stressful life, or busy life, might as well be the most interesting life perhaps in this last semester. Reached university by 8am, too early, first day of going to university after back from hometown, hauling the heavy footsteps, but never mind, I had prepared for the lab mood, slowly I walked to buy a green tea, soaked it and start a refreshing day ahead. Found a sofa that could fit my body, drawn out a NHR, started reading it fast, and finished 3 quarters of it. Have to admit I'm old, during reading books, most of the time I almost fell asleep, seriously have to work hard to find passion to re-orientate myself. Went to the lab today, no masters, we were on own, happy to master the room. The climax of the day, need not to say, enjoyed Korean food at Jln song, followed by caramel macchiato at the cuppa-kap coffee shop. Indulge into coffee recently, but stomach seemed not tolerating chili and caffeine, giving me a sense of uncomfortable, yet i still like it, cause the pattern they made, special, unique, such as pigs, flowers and hearts.

How are You-ss there? Have not brave to ask more of you, miss you. Will we be sipping coffee in future?

hope

This is a new start of my last semester of last year of study in degrees. This is a challenging semester ever, I had made a determination to succumb all the hardships that I could foresee in my FYP.  This is nothing I tell myself, as there are just a parcel, a piece of my life, I have even seen and heard of the other great challenges such as sickness and issues regarding "life". This is just named project, the things that hold me back, a sour and bitter memories were the "masters". Luckily, thanks to all my dear friends, family and R3 comrades. They are lovely,especially him, I fell in liking with the 'him' but am not sure, so I chant. I always imagine if he could become my soul mate and share happiness, guidance, and encouragements, having mutual exercises, mutual supports in financial, understandings, and concepts of living, how good if all of these could be met.

After so  a lot of things happened, I just want to rest, give myself a normal living, with coupled life, non-stress project days, and cheerful, hopeful lifestyle. So, leave it out shining bright like the sun, marching joyfully and having a balanced lifestyle. 

JoeyShines